Tonight was church here where my sister lives. So we were at church and Bro. Maddox began preaching. Well, something that he began talking about just caught my attention. He was saying how without a purpose we will never accomplish anything. That if we forget the purpose of why we go to church then we will began to dread going. And, well, honestly my thoughts began to wonder at that point because the word purpose had just driven into my heart. I often think about that word. Not just the word, but the word applied to my life. I often ask myself what my purpose is in life. And I never quite have an answer other than, "to live for God, duh!" But even though I know that it is my purpose I still feel worthless. Because anyone can go to church and clap, raise their hands, dance, speak in tongues, etc. But is that really all that living for God entails? I feel as if I am lacking in something. I just want to yell sometimes because I feel so useless. I mean, what am I personally doing for the kingdom of God.
I don't really know what the direction of Bro. Maddox's message was (because we had to leave) but I know that the word purpose just hit me. I have never actually sat down and wrote out my goals for life. But usually when I complain about having no purpose I will usually make a mental list. Usually I only have one goal. Depending on my mood it will be either: 1. Go to college so that I can have a career. Or: 2. Get married someday and all that. Both of those are fine goals, but what strikes me is how neither one of them even mentions God. Those are my physical goals. But what about my spiritual goals? I suppose I never really think about that.
Perhaps you are thinking, "Wait, you are a missionary's daughter, how can you feel like you are useless?" Well, just because I am living in a foreign country doesn't mean that I am really doing anything at all for God. Yeah, I live in a strange place but am I contributing to the work of God? I feel ashamed sometimes when I think of how I waste my time on the frivolities of this world.
I remember one time when I came up with the idea to go downtown Toluca and invite people to church. Lupita and I went there one afternoon and did just that. No one we invited ever came to church, but I actually felt good. I felt like I was doing something useful with my time. The restlessness that is constantly pounding at my heart's door momentarily ceased.
I guess all I am saying here is that I want to do something for God. I want to have a purpose. So maybe I just need to change my perspective some. Teaching Sunday school might not (in my mind) be anything special. But I suppose you can never truly know how you might have impacted some one's life. So when I get back to Mexico in a few months (more like six ... lol) I think I will try to change my attitude. Maybe set some higher goals for myself. Instead of always complaining about my lack of purpose maybe I should take a step back and realize that all of the things that I do I should do them as unto God and not unto man. Then maybe I will feel a bit more fulfilled. What do you think?
Anyways, those were just my thoughts that caused me to tune out the rest of the preaching. And I thought I would share them with you.