Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 18

~A picture of your biggest insecurity~

Me. That is my biggest insecurity. I am my own greatest hindrance. I look at myself as a very unlikeable person. And in my mind I believe that no one can ever love me. Because I am unlovable. My personality embarrasses me. And because I feel that way I tend to act a certain way.

I tend to be extremely shy, and I mean like unnaturally shy. And, yes, I do realize that. I have a hard time looking anyone in the eyes (although I have improved that quite a bit) and I when I am at a table with a bunch of people I almost always stare down at the table. I seem weird. Almost as if I have a personality disorder. And as I said before ... I do realize that I do all of these things. That is why I have been trying to work harder at not doing them. But I am still very far from where I want to be.

The funny thing is that I am NOT like that at all in Mexico in my own church. I am not shy at all. I am very friendly. Almost everyone loves me and thinks that I am very funny. I tend to be a whole lot more outgoing in our church. I make myself talk to the newer girls when they come. I hug everyone (well, the women! lol). And they all probably think I am a silly airhead because I talk almost non-stop! When I am at a table with a lot of people, I may not talk (because I get more self-conscious of my Spanish) but I do not stare at the table either.

So I look at the immense contrast between the different personalities I seem to have in the two different countries. And I realize that what my problem is is that in Mexico I feel comfortable. I don't worry about being accepted for who I am. But in the US I feel inferior to everyone. I see the girls at churches and I instantly feel like I am completely different from them. So then I feel like I am weird because I am the oddball. Thus, I feel inferior.

This is the absolute truth! That is why who I am is my biggest insecurity. Feeling as if I don't fit in, and being unable to be myself. And rejection because I am different is an inherent fear of mine! So next time you see me and I am all embarrassed, and I stare at the table of the ceiling, and blush 'cause people tease me or ask me questions ... just remember it's just because I feel stupid, and I think that you think that I am weird. Yeah, that's why I don't make friends very easily. :D

So maybe you wonder why I say these things on a blog that's supposed to be about Mexico. Well, I suppose I just want all of you people who have met me to understand why I am the way I am. I mean, I have gotten emails from a few people who have met me and the think that I disliked them or was offended by them. I guess it's just because they thought I was trying to ignore them when it's just that I am shy. And then I have others who think that I am stuck up. Neither of those are really the case. I am willing to be friends with anyone I meet. I just have to get over my shyness first! So if you think I am being too open ... I guess I just don't have a problem with being open about certain things (I think I get that from my dad). I just want all of you to know me for who I am, not who I seem to be when you meet me or see me. You know, I am probably the girl who always "seems" nice but no one really knows me because I am too shy to get to know. So for me this is a way for you to get to know me a little better! :)

This rule doesn't usually apply to guys. I tend to be less shy around guys. I am usually me around guys. So if you are a guy and I act really shy around you ... it's probably 'cause I like you! Hehe. But I don't have many crushes ... so no worries! ;)

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